False Gods

There is a good church! And it’s in New York! Miracles really do happen.

From the sarcastic tone above, you can probably discern I don’t quite love the idea of church again, yet. The yet on the end of that sentence is a very new addition, and an interesting one. My boyfriend goes to church, and occasionally, I invite myself along. It was very emotional the first time I attended, especially during worship (singing the hymns & praise songs) – it surprised me how uncomfortable I was, how quickly old emotions rushed to the surface. I haven’t been in a Christian church (besides my few experiences w/ St. Patrick’s) since 2002 or 2003. The same feelings came back, along with the doubt & distrust that is mixed in, and usually prevails.

The first time I went was to see what this part of the boy’s life was about. I’ve gone back since to hear the pastor talk. This guy is smart, logical, and has a sense of humor – and he’s a pastor! He talks to the congregation like they’re adults, uses real life situations to help you understand, and – my favorite part – uses sources other than the Bible to support the point he’s sharing with us. It is incredibly frustrating to have someone stand behind an alter/podium, speak down to me, and declare that’s the way it is – all because the Bible said so. For those who are more on the doubters side than the believers, we need the additional references – we need to see additional support to believe/agree/understand the topic/subject.

Another reason it’s good I keep going is because I’m thinking about religion again. Religion, and my feelings regarding it, has been on the backburner for a number of years now, and I figured it was probably a good thing to start thinking about, start looking into again.

Last night’s service touched on suffering, and false gods. A main point was that when you have false gods, you put your hopes/ambitions toward them, and when they collapse, as they inevitably do, you end up floundering, trying to get your feet back under you, but the anchor you were using is gone, so it’s difficult.

I have false gods. I have tons and tons of them.

All my efforts are put into my family, job, relationships, hair, outfits, diets, Gonzaga’s basketball team, learning, knitting, etc. And it’s true – when things crash & burn, or don’t work out as planned, I get upset, watch When Harry Met Sally, and flounder about, until I find something else to focus that part of my efforts on, or a new goal for that same subject.

All of this isn’t news, and everyone’s heard this theory a gazillion times. My false gods and my reactions when things go awry isn’t remotely surprising.

What is news is that while listening to this sensible, smart man discuss this topic, I had a desire to push aside this repetitive pattern and go to God. Make him my anchor for the first time as an adult, and see what it’s like, compared to my teenage experience.

Of course, as soon as this desire popped into my head, I mulled over it for about 30 seconds, then pushed it back down – that’s a big thought, leading to big, complicated decisions much more difficult than deciding which hairstyle to wear, or which book to read next. But it is still there, waiting for more reflection.