False Gods

There is a good church! And it’s in New York! Miracles really do happen.

From the sarcastic tone above, you can probably discern I don’t quite love the idea of church again, yet. The yet on the end of that sentence is a very new addition, and an interesting one. My boyfriend goes to church, and occasionally, I invite myself along. It was very emotional the first time I attended, especially during worship (singing the hymns & praise songs) – it surprised me how uncomfortable I was, how quickly old emotions rushed to the surface. I haven’t been in a Christian church (besides my few experiences w/ St. Patrick’s) since 2002 or 2003. The same feelings came back, along with the doubt & distrust that is mixed in, and usually prevails.

The first time I went was to see what this part of the boy’s life was about. I’ve gone back since to hear the pastor talk. This guy is smart, logical, and has a sense of humor – and he’s a pastor! He talks to the congregation like they’re adults, uses real life situations to help you understand, and – my favorite part – uses sources other than the Bible to support the point he’s sharing with us. It is incredibly frustrating to have someone stand behind an alter/podium, speak down to me, and declare that’s the way it is – all because the Bible said so. For those who are more on the doubters side than the believers, we need the additional references – we need to see additional support to believe/agree/understand the topic/subject.

Another reason it’s good I keep going is because I’m thinking about religion again. Religion, and my feelings regarding it, has been on the backburner for a number of years now, and I figured it was probably a good thing to start thinking about, start looking into again.

Last night’s service touched on suffering, and false gods. A main point was that when you have false gods, you put your hopes/ambitions toward them, and when they collapse, as they inevitably do, you end up floundering, trying to get your feet back under you, but the anchor you were using is gone, so it’s difficult.

I have false gods. I have tons and tons of them.

All my efforts are put into my family, job, relationships, hair, outfits, diets, Gonzaga’s basketball team, learning, knitting, etc. And it’s true – when things crash & burn, or don’t work out as planned, I get upset, watch When Harry Met Sally, and flounder about, until I find something else to focus that part of my efforts on, or a new goal for that same subject.

All of this isn’t news, and everyone’s heard this theory a gazillion times. My false gods and my reactions when things go awry isn’t remotely surprising.

What is news is that while listening to this sensible, smart man discuss this topic, I had a desire to push aside this repetitive pattern and go to God. Make him my anchor for the first time as an adult, and see what it’s like, compared to my teenage experience.

Of course, as soon as this desire popped into my head, I mulled over it for about 30 seconds, then pushed it back down – that’s a big thought, leading to big, complicated decisions much more difficult than deciding which hairstyle to wear, or which book to read next. But it is still there, waiting for more reflection.

I want to be a Yogi (Yogini?) - something like that

I decided i should start taking yoga classes. I have had the mat, videos, and books for years, and have used these items from time to time with varying degrees of dedication, but have never taken an actual class before. And I've always liked the idea of being one of those people who go to yoga - they're more centered, zen-ish, and bendier than me (which isn't hard considering I can't touch my toes). So I asked a woman at my work, who is basically a yogi, where's a good place to go. She tells me about this great studio in Union Square (a location I like), above Strand bookstore (even better!) called OM Studio. Gives me the list of her favorite teachers, and the website that has the class schedule there, and all the info I need to jump right in. That was in March. March 27th, to be exact.

First I had to really think about if I wanted to start doing this. I mean, it costs money, I'm already quite busy, and I truly hate working out. I like yoga videos occasionally, but even gyms w/ yoga classes are too ugh - I just hate it. Add spending money to do something I can’t stand, and you can see why I don't exercise! So I kept the email, and just looked at it once in a while. Once or twice I even clicked on the website. The opening photo had a girl doing a position that did not look pleasant, but her hair was in pigtails. I like pigtails.

In June I decided I wanted to be Lolita for Halloween this year. My friends and I saw someone rock this costume last year. She had a 50's style swimsuit, big hat, red heart-shaped sunglasses, and was sucking on a lollipop. I loved it - I wanted to run into the bathroom w/ her and exchange costumes so I could stare at people seductively from behind red heart-shaped sunglasses. I refrained, mostly because I don't think the rest of the bar wanted to see me in a 50's bikini.

I now had motivation for yoga. I want to be Lolita next year for Halloween and wear a bikini in a bar all night.

So first I had to find my yoga clothes. I decided I wasn’t going to spend more money on workout clothes so I had to dig through my closet and find my two workout outfits. That took awhile. Then I decided I needed a bag for my yoga mat – I can’t just carry the mat, that’s ludicrous. And I can’t buy one – remember, I’m spending a minimal amount of money on this new venture. So I found a pattern to knit a yoga bag. (and yes, I used yarn I already had, so no additional costs there).

At this point, I did get a few comments about procrastination, and my avoidance of attending classes. I protested my true need for a bag and inability to bend into crazy positions without one, finished said bag, and ran out of reasons to not go.

So I’m attending classes! And enjoying it – I have favorite teachers, favorite positions, etc. While I have to admit I’m often the comic relief of the class while trying to “find my center”, it is actually enjoyable. I’ll provide details on that last sentence soon. And hopefully while in my 50’s style bikini.

Self-Realization

Over the weekend, I learned something about myself. You know those times when you react to something small, and realize that's how you always react to similar situations (big or small), and wham, a character trait you never knew you had is suddenly there before your eyes? That you're THAT type of person?

Well, that happened to me. Something happened, I reacted, and realized what that meant about my personality. This surprised me, I thought it over, and decided to blog about it.

Trouble is, I can't recall what it was! Must have been quite the realization, huh?

Worlds Colliding

I had this idea probably 6 years ago, while emailing my BFF instead of working, about the next Harry Potter book that was coming out shortly. We were debating all the possibilities of what the next book could entail, what would happen, etc, etc. This was our idea of What Would Happen Next:

Harry will meet Voldemort and they'll fight, and Voldemort will suddenly declare that Snape was Harry's father - Snape always loved Lily and had tempted her away from James for a short bit, but she went back to James, even though he was not the father of her child. Harry will run off, scared and confused to the swampy Degabond System (same planet the Weasley's live on) and there Dumbledore will teach Harry more about the force, and show him the way.

Then Ron & Hermoine would get together, because Hermoine is the smart, magical one, and Han So-, I mean Ron is the humerous one. The Weasley twins hang out w/ them occasionally, making odd sounds, and Ron's response is always "You said it, Chewy".

Harry will be tempted by the Dark Side, in an attempt to bring his mother back, but will have learned enough magic and knowledge to know that path leads to no good. He'll be angry at Snape, but try to convince him Voldemort is evil, and not the person to follow. Snape will appreciate the effort, and say so, which'll fix Harry's father issues, and he'll never be conflicted again. Snape will also tell him that Harry & Hermoine are twins, seperated at birth, with Hermoine hidden in a Muggle family.

Ron & Hermoine will have lots of babies who are funny AND fabulous at magic - they'll look like Ewoks, rule the world, and amuse people w/ stories of their parents and their parent's friends who saved the world way back in the day from the clutches of Darth Vader.

Jewish Humor

New York Magazine did an article on Jewish Humor, focusing on Woody Allen & Larry David, and there was a section full of Jewish jokes, from Groucho Marx to Seth Rogen. Some of them were cracking me up, and I thought I’d share my favorites:

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it ~ Groucho Marx

The famous Yiddish actor Boris Thomashefsky takes a whore back to his hotel room. After they do the deed, instead of paying her, he hands her a pair of tickets to that night’s show. Annoyed, she says, “With these you can buy bread?” “You want bread,’ Thomaskefsky says, ‘screw a baker.”

Jewish man gets hit by a car. Paramedics come, and one asks him “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a nice living.” ~ Henny Youngman

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I’ve always figured if you have enough money, you can get a key made ~ Joan Rivers

A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno . . . it was one of those parties that got out of hand ~ Lenny Bruce

Jews and blacks come from the same history – 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain – we just never thought of putting it to music ~ Jon Steward

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl ~ Sarah Silverman

And my favorite (apparently an old Jewish classic):
Mr. Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose … They finally go to a famous physician at Newark-Beth Israel Medical Center.
He says, “Mr. Rabinowitz, what’s bothering you?”He runs him through an exhaustive battery of tests and, lo and behold, he discovers what’s wrong.
“Mr. Rabinowitz, is your wife waiting for you?”
“Yes, she’s in the vaiting room?”
“Will you go outside and send her in?”
She comes in and says, “Yes, doctor? What’s the matter with my Irving?”
The doctor says, “Mr. Rabinowitz has a very rare disease, it’s almost invariably fatal, there’s only one cure for it.”
“Yes, what’s that, we’ll do anything?”
“The only thing that will help him is oral sex.”
“What?”
“Oral sex. You know what that is?”
“Oh sure—oral sex, I know.”
She goes out to the waiting room, and Irving says,
“Sadie, Sadie, what did the doctor say?”
“You’re gonna die.”

Friday Musings

This was an email sent to friends, but I was so entertained by it, I thought I'd share . . . with probably the same friends who occasionally read these entries.

So besides being completely unmotivated this afternoon, I was singing a song by the sadly-no-longer band The Darkness, as their lead singer, Justin something, declared he couldn’t live healthily (i.e., w/out drugs) and still be in a rock band. The world no longer gets songs titled “Love on the Rocks w/ No Ice” and “Get Your Hands Off My Woman, Motherf**ker!” or gets to see him perform in a leopard print unitard w/ a big cutout down to his navel to show off the lack of chest hair, like he’s an 80’s monster band performer. Sigh. I miss him so.

None of that is my point really – my point is I was singing aloud their song, “One Way Ticket to Hell . . . and Back” (insert long vent about work which I will not post online), and I just realized the “and back” lyric of the song doesn’t really make sense. One way tickets don’t let you go back . . . hmm. Who’d have thought the Darkness would ever be inaccurate, or worse, that it took me 2 years of singing that song to realize the error?

Is it 5 yet?

The Catholic Church is not for me

Over the past year or so, I've started going to church again. Going to Mass, actually, at St. Patricks. It's a quick, 30 minute service in a beautiful building with fabulous acoustics - I enjoy the atmosphere, light a candle, and then step back out into the real world.

Although my father's family is Portuguese Catholic, I was never raised as one, and rarely attended Catholic services besides funerals & weddings. In fact, I spent a lot of time in high school at the non-denominational church next door, and could wave to my cousins & extended family across the parking lot.

I started going to Mass at St. Patricks last year when I found out Mom was scheduled to have surgery (she's fine), and I needed . . . to be comforted, I guess. My friends love my statement "Religion is like comfort food", and how I often compare the big R to a plate of gooey mac n' cheese.

I've continued going once every couple weeks over the past year. I say the automatic responses, and ignore the service completely, instead using the time the priest is lecturing/providing communion, as my time - thinking things out, dividing & conquering conundrums in my head.

Until recently.

Last week, during the service I actually listened to the priest. The topic was the Virgin Mary, and how we need to pray through her to get Jesus' help & support. This is one of the many problems I have w/ Catholism (sp?) - why do we have to go through a person (a saint now) to get answers from Jesus? Why pray to saints? Kudos to them for doing the good deeds, or having the right connections, to become a saint, but really? I need to ask them to ask God for help? Cut out the middle man, people! I don't even know if I believe in God, but if he's there, I'm not about to sit on the side and ask his friends to put in a good word for me.

And this week, it got even worse. The priest was declaring how all Catholics need to be unified, to present one front to the secular world (for you non-religious folks, that's what we call you, and the world outside the church. It's like being called a Muggle). He was mad at some woman on TV who declared she was Catholic, but also believed in gay marriage. (Who knew priests watch TV?) Then he was mad at someone else on TV (clearly addicted to cable) who claimed to be Catholic, but was also pro-choice. He then yelled, "How can you be Catholic and PRO-DEATH?!" And, the congregation nodded, and agreed! I realized that by sitting there, in that beautiful church, I was associated with, and even supporting, these people with their black & white views of the world, and how they react to/judge situations in it.

So now I don't know what to do. Maybe stop by the church when there's no services, sit, light a candle, and go? I feel like I can't go any longer as I will not stand behind those view points, but the environment is incredibly comforting. Maybe a park instead? Find solace in the trees, and smile at the crazies talking to themselves? I don't know.

I do know that I am most certainly not Catholic. Darn priests for opening their mouths and ruining my calorie-free comfort food.

I lost my love, my iPhone, (also known as iBob) Sunday night. Left him in a taxi. I tried to stay calm about it – it is just a phone, and worst case scenario is I have to buy a new one. I inventoried what was unsalvageable (phone #s, last month’s calorie tracker, my high score on the gory surgery game), and convinced myself I’ll be just as happy with a new, younger cousin of iBob’s.

A few hours later, I was tracked down by the guy who found my phone in the taxi, and is leaving w/ his doorman for me to pick-up. There are still good people in this city!

Random

It’s been far too long, so here’s lots of big & small events, compiled into small items:

- Rewind: worst bar in NY ever. EVER. And if you do go there, leave your weave and dignity at home

- I can walk quickly/run up 11 flights of stairs in 4 ½ “ heels. Booyah

- Selling books on Amazon is more trouble than it’s worth

- The US Post Office will run out of money this year unless they get some assistance. That amuses me

- My co-workers are obsessed w/ the McDonald’s Fish Fillet commercial song. It’s all I hear, all day long.

- Billy Crudup is the voice-over for the Mastercard “Blah blah blah – Priceless” commercials.

- Cherry-scented nail polish is fabulous

- I made an erupting volcano w/ a 7 year-old. I’ve never seen her so excited about something since the latest Hannah Montana movie

- The front page of the Wall Street Journal was so full of interesting news today, I almost stole it from my boss. This is proof I have been in New York too long

Ben

I miss my brother so much. I miss his laugh, and his awkward walk, and how cool he was, since he didn't care what anyone else thought. He was the kind, sweet kid in the family. We'd joke that he'd take care of mom & dad when they got old, because he was the one nice enough to want to do it :-). I want to hug him again, and hear him tease me about being more than a foot shorter.

Was. Using that verb tense with Ben's name just shouldn't have to be done.

I want to tell people I have two fantastic little brothers who I couldn't be prouder of, and happier to have as siblings. How strong we are, how much we've achieved, blah blah blah. Now I pause and have to think of an answer to that question. Do I explain "I had two little brothers but one died last year" and face the onslaught of questions and sympathy, or say "I have one brother" and try to ignore the guilt and pain I feel for not even mentioning Ben. Can't there be a third option?

Time is not healing anything. Yes, time is making it easier for me to go on w/ life, and stay sidetracked thinking of other things. But I'm not healing. I'm not feeling better, or singing about the Circle of Life, or am able to help others w/ their grief.

Time does not help. All that's happening is just more and more days without him here, with me just curled up wearing Ben's old shirt, wishing that stupid car never hit that stupid stone wall, wishing suicide could just be a stupid joke, wishing those 5 small minutes where everything happened back, before we had to start saying "was".

Current Events

A New Year's Goal (and since I have more money than last fall) is to go to as many events as possible. Here are a few:

Equus
Yes, I joined the screaming teenagers to see Harry Potter naked . . . no, seriously, I wanted to see his acting abilities, and like the screenplay, and . . . okay, a bit of all the above. My friend, Hiromi, joined in not knowing what she was in for (right before the play started, she asked, "So this is a musical, right?") The show was well- done, with a simple stage. The horses were fantastic, and I instantly fell for the main horse (he plays another small character as well). Daniel Radcliffe did a good job - it was hard to watch him and not think about Harry Potter, but I tried. He acted well, not the best I've seen, but I believed his character's emotion. I'm looking forward to watching him continue to grow in his acting ability, as he has the past few years. And yes, he was naked. Running, leaping, pretending to sleep w/ a naked girl, chasing, stabbing horses, naked. Hiromi was surprised - I think it would have been easier for her if he had also burst into song :-)

The psychologist, played by Richard Griffiths, owned the stage, and had some of the best lines in the play. The plot line includes his concern - if he "cures" this boy, Alan, then Alan will lose his passion, and be "normal" like everyone else. The doctor was jealous - he declared Alan experienced more passion in an hour then he had in his whole life. My favorite line from the doctor was "In an ultimate sense I cannot know what I do in this place - yet I do ultimate things."

13 Most Beautiful . . . Songs for Andy Warhol's Screen Tests
My dad asked what my weekend plans were. I told him Kim got us tickets to a concert, and when he asked what kind of concert, I explained "It's an ex-indie band that composed songs to go along w/ 13 of Andy Warhol's screen tests." Dad laughed, and we went to the event and loved it. Dean Wareham and Britta Phillps played their songs, with the screen tests showing on a backdrop. It was fantastic - so well done, and entertaining. Music w/ visuals can go bad real quick, but this was very well done. And the venue in the Time Warner Bldg, is worth going for the view.

12th Night @ the Pearl Theatre
There is a small theater on St. Marks with big dreams. They are always putting on plays of Shakespeare, Socrates, Wilde, etc. This little venue showed the unabridged Hamlet - a 3 1/2 hr production! - last year, and it was the best Hamlet I've seen. Then, they received my undying devotion by producing The Importance of Being Earnest last year, the inspiration for one of my tattoos :-) So Lauren and I went and saw their current production, 12th Night. It was well done, and my favorite actor there, Sean McNall, was great as a jester. I'd recommend this theatre and their plays to everyone . . . w/ fair warning - they have more senior citizens as fans than Church Bingo on a Tuesday night. I still don't know why, but the audience has always been at least 80% over the age of 80, and Jewish. Half the fun of attending the shows is to overhear conversations in line for the restroom.

with breath that is bated . . .

I'm in the flat lands, currently. Things are good, I've got nothing to complain about, yet I'm waiting for more. I'm curious as to what the next chapter in my life is going to bring. I'm researching a few options I want to explore, and I'm trying to go out and see more things - more plays, concerts, dinners, etc. I have a steady job in this economy, everything is fine. I'm just waiting for the next thing - the next defining event that will take place. I'm guessing it'll be school, or blonde hair. My "biological clock" has been very loud lately, which is amusing and annoying me at the same time - how does one fight instincts? I'm anxious for the next step - and am ready for it!

Holiday Travel Parts II & III

So after California, John & I flew to Spokane to see the fam. Amazingly, we weren't delayed and arrived as scheduled. Spokane was good - a lot of time with Mom & Dad, saw the Grandparents, and lots of Aunt Tina. John built huge 10 ft high "castle walls" in our front yard, and an igloo in the back. Since John had taken all of dad's snow clothes, Dad jumped into his wetsuit and joined him - the photos are hysterical. Christmas Eve was at my Aunt Tina & Uncle Mark's - getting there and back was long, but it was good times. We played a lot of Wii and just hung around, due to the 5 ft of snow outside keeping us mostly indoors. I did see some friends, which was a lot of fun - I miss you all already!

John flew home to Seattle and I flew there too, later in the day, to stay w/ Christiffin for a bit. Honestly, I was exhausted at this point, and just wanted to curl up in a ball. But it was so relaxing and nice seeing Christiffin and John and Georgia, that I quickly got my enegery back. Christopher & I went to the surprisingly good Seattle Art Museum, and Tiff & I later hit up the Science Fiction Museum - which was awesome! It had old books and comics, and costumes from tons of sci-fi stuff, be it Star Trek, or Star Wars, or actual NASA items, to Lost in Space and newer stuff too. There was an E.T. and Donatello from TMNT, next to a plastic pizza, of course. Being the dorks we are, we highly, highly enjoyed it :-)

New Year's was great - Georgia & John joined us, and after walking about 7 miles, we started bar hopping, and enjoying the people and everyone celebrating New Years. But the biggest part of the whole trip was when Christiffin each got iPhones (they've joined the cult!!) and Christopher showed me the best app ever - "Lightsaber". You can choose your character, or create your own, select your style of lightsaber, and then, as you swing your phone around, it makes lightsaber sounds. Seriously. Christopher & I had an epic battle w/ our phones, and Tiffin probably thought she was surrounded by idiots.