Ben

I miss my brother so much. I miss his laugh, and his awkward walk, and how cool he was, since he didn't care what anyone else thought. He was the kind, sweet kid in the family. We'd joke that he'd take care of mom & dad when they got old, because he was the one nice enough to want to do it :-). I want to hug him again, and hear him tease me about being more than a foot shorter.

Was. Using that verb tense with Ben's name just shouldn't have to be done.

I want to tell people I have two fantastic little brothers who I couldn't be prouder of, and happier to have as siblings. How strong we are, how much we've achieved, blah blah blah. Now I pause and have to think of an answer to that question. Do I explain "I had two little brothers but one died last year" and face the onslaught of questions and sympathy, or say "I have one brother" and try to ignore the guilt and pain I feel for not even mentioning Ben. Can't there be a third option?

Time is not healing anything. Yes, time is making it easier for me to go on w/ life, and stay sidetracked thinking of other things. But I'm not healing. I'm not feeling better, or singing about the Circle of Life, or am able to help others w/ their grief.

Time does not help. All that's happening is just more and more days without him here, with me just curled up wearing Ben's old shirt, wishing that stupid car never hit that stupid stone wall, wishing suicide could just be a stupid joke, wishing those 5 small minutes where everything happened back, before we had to start saying "was".