New York Magazine did an article on Jewish Humor, focusing on Woody Allen & Larry David, and there was a section full of Jewish jokes, from Groucho Marx to Seth Rogen. Some of them were cracking me up, and I thought I’d share my favorites:
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it ~ Groucho Marx
The famous Yiddish actor Boris Thomashefsky takes a whore back to his hotel room. After they do the deed, instead of paying her, he hands her a pair of tickets to that night’s show. Annoyed, she says, “With these you can buy bread?” “You want bread,’ Thomaskefsky says, ‘screw a baker.”
Jewish man gets hit by a car. Paramedics come, and one asks him “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a nice living.” ~ Henny Youngman
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I’ve always figured if you have enough money, you can get a key made ~ Joan Rivers
A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno . . . it was one of those parties that got out of hand ~ Lenny Bruce
Jews and blacks come from the same history – 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain – we just never thought of putting it to music ~ Jon Steward
I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl ~ Sarah Silverman
And my favorite (apparently an old Jewish classic):
Mr. Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose … They finally go to a famous physician at Newark-Beth Israel Medical Center.
He says, “Mr. Rabinowitz, what’s bothering you?”He runs him through an exhaustive battery of tests and, lo and behold, he discovers what’s wrong.
“Mr. Rabinowitz, is your wife waiting for you?”
“Yes, she’s in the vaiting room?”
“Will you go outside and send her in?”
She comes in and says, “Yes, doctor? What’s the matter with my Irving?”
The doctor says, “Mr. Rabinowitz has a very rare disease, it’s almost invariably fatal, there’s only one cure for it.”
“Yes, what’s that, we’ll do anything?”
“The only thing that will help him is oral sex.”
“What?”
“Oral sex. You know what that is?”
“Oh sure—oral sex, I know.”
She goes out to the waiting room, and Irving says,
“Sadie, Sadie, what did the doctor say?”
“You’re gonna die.”
