I miss my brother so much. I miss his laugh, and his awkward walk, and how cool he was, since he didn't care what anyone else thought. He was the kind, sweet kid in the family. We'd joke that he'd take care of mom & dad when they got old, because he was the one nice enough to want to do it :-). I want to hug him again, and hear him tease me about being more than a foot shorter.
Was. Using that verb tense with Ben's name just shouldn't have to be done.
I want to tell people I have two fantastic little brothers who I couldn't be prouder of, and happier to have as siblings. How strong we are, how much we've achieved, blah blah blah. Now I pause and have to think of an answer to that question. Do I explain "I had two little brothers but one died last year" and face the onslaught of questions and sympathy, or say "I have one brother" and try to ignore the guilt and pain I feel for not even mentioning Ben. Can't there be a third option?
Time is not healing anything. Yes, time is making it easier for me to go on w/ life, and stay sidetracked thinking of other things. But I'm not healing. I'm not feeling better, or singing about the Circle of Life, or am able to help others w/ their grief.
Time does not help. All that's happening is just more and more days without him here, with me just curled up wearing Ben's old shirt, wishing that stupid car never hit that stupid stone wall, wishing suicide could just be a stupid joke, wishing those 5 small minutes where everything happened back, before we had to start saying "was".
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Current Events
A New Year's Goal (and since I have more money than last fall) is to go to as many events as possible. Here are a few:
Equus
Yes, I joined the screaming teenagers to see Harry Potter naked . . . no, seriously, I wanted to see his acting abilities, and like the screenplay, and . . . okay, a bit of all the above. My friend, Hiromi, joined in not knowing what she was in for (right before the play started, she asked, "So this is a musical, right?") The show was well- done, with a simple stage. The horses were fantastic, and I instantly fell for the main horse (he plays another small character as well). Daniel Radcliffe did a good job - it was hard to watch him and not think about Harry Potter, but I tried. He acted well, not the best I've seen, but I believed his character's emotion. I'm looking forward to watching him continue to grow in his acting ability, as he has the past few years. And yes, he was naked. Running, leaping, pretending to sleep w/ a naked girl, chasing, stabbing horses, naked. Hiromi was surprised - I think it would have been easier for her if he had also burst into song :-)
The psychologist, played by Richard Griffiths, owned the stage, and had some of the best lines in the play. The plot line includes his concern - if he "cures" this boy, Alan, then Alan will lose his passion, and be "normal" like everyone else. The doctor was jealous - he declared Alan experienced more passion in an hour then he had in his whole life. My favorite line from the doctor was "In an ultimate sense I cannot know what I do in this place - yet I do ultimate things."
13 Most Beautiful . . . Songs for Andy Warhol's Screen Tests
My dad asked what my weekend plans were. I told him Kim got us tickets to a concert, and when he asked what kind of concert, I explained "It's an ex-indie band that composed songs to go along w/ 13 of Andy Warhol's screen tests." Dad laughed, and we went to the event and loved it. Dean Wareham and Britta Phillps played their songs, with the screen tests showing on a backdrop. It was fantastic - so well done, and entertaining. Music w/ visuals can go bad real quick, but this was very well done. And the venue in the Time Warner Bldg, is worth going for the view.
12th Night @ the Pearl Theatre
There is a small theater on St. Marks with big dreams. They are always putting on plays of Shakespeare, Socrates, Wilde, etc. This little venue showed the unabridged Hamlet - a 3 1/2 hr production! - last year, and it was the best Hamlet I've seen. Then, they received my undying devotion by producing The Importance of Being Earnest last year, the inspiration for one of my tattoos :-) So Lauren and I went and saw their current production, 12th Night. It was well done, and my favorite actor there, Sean McNall, was great as a jester. I'd recommend this theatre and their plays to everyone . . . w/ fair warning - they have more senior citizens as fans than Church Bingo on a Tuesday night. I still don't know why, but the audience has always been at least 80% over the age of 80, and Jewish. Half the fun of attending the shows is to overhear conversations in line for the restroom.
Equus
Yes, I joined the screaming teenagers to see Harry Potter naked . . . no, seriously, I wanted to see his acting abilities, and like the screenplay, and . . . okay, a bit of all the above. My friend, Hiromi, joined in not knowing what she was in for (right before the play started, she asked, "So this is a musical, right?") The show was well- done, with a simple stage. The horses were fantastic, and I instantly fell for the main horse (he plays another small character as well). Daniel Radcliffe did a good job - it was hard to watch him and not think about Harry Potter, but I tried. He acted well, not the best I've seen, but I believed his character's emotion. I'm looking forward to watching him continue to grow in his acting ability, as he has the past few years. And yes, he was naked. Running, leaping, pretending to sleep w/ a naked girl, chasing, stabbing horses, naked. Hiromi was surprised - I think it would have been easier for her if he had also burst into song :-)
The psychologist, played by Richard Griffiths, owned the stage, and had some of the best lines in the play. The plot line includes his concern - if he "cures" this boy, Alan, then Alan will lose his passion, and be "normal" like everyone else. The doctor was jealous - he declared Alan experienced more passion in an hour then he had in his whole life. My favorite line from the doctor was "In an ultimate sense I cannot know what I do in this place - yet I do ultimate things."
13 Most Beautiful . . . Songs for Andy Warhol's Screen Tests
My dad asked what my weekend plans were. I told him Kim got us tickets to a concert, and when he asked what kind of concert, I explained "It's an ex-indie band that composed songs to go along w/ 13 of Andy Warhol's screen tests." Dad laughed, and we went to the event and loved it. Dean Wareham and Britta Phillps played their songs, with the screen tests showing on a backdrop. It was fantastic - so well done, and entertaining. Music w/ visuals can go bad real quick, but this was very well done. And the venue in the Time Warner Bldg, is worth going for the view.
12th Night @ the Pearl Theatre
There is a small theater on St. Marks with big dreams. They are always putting on plays of Shakespeare, Socrates, Wilde, etc. This little venue showed the unabridged Hamlet - a 3 1/2 hr production! - last year, and it was the best Hamlet I've seen. Then, they received my undying devotion by producing The Importance of Being Earnest last year, the inspiration for one of my tattoos :-) So Lauren and I went and saw their current production, 12th Night. It was well done, and my favorite actor there, Sean McNall, was great as a jester. I'd recommend this theatre and their plays to everyone . . . w/ fair warning - they have more senior citizens as fans than Church Bingo on a Tuesday night. I still don't know why, but the audience has always been at least 80% over the age of 80, and Jewish. Half the fun of attending the shows is to overhear conversations in line for the restroom.
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