I used to have a bubble. It sounds weirder than it is, I swear, but the main reason I have decided to not reinstate this bubble is because i feel President Bush is living inside one as well - and that horrifies me. As well as, you know, not fully experiencing life and stuff.
In high school, sophomore year, i went through my first break up w/ a boy I really cared about. We declared our love for each other, were on the phone all the time, and had our parents drive the 40 minutes to each other's house at least twice a week. Then he dropped me and I emerged 4 months later, with no recollection of what happened or feeling sad about it. I had learned how to manipulate my mind to not remembering bad things happening, to the world or myself. Those are literally 4 months gone from my life. Anything bad coming along or happening in the news? I blocked it. I tried to watch Schindler's List, was completely bored w/ it but then had to rush to the bathroom to hurl. I wouldn't let the movie actually affect my brain but it did make me physically ill.
As a teenage girl who could get upset if her hair didn't look right, I thought this was a great way to go through life. Enjoy the good, block out the bad, and be constantly happy. My friends called it Bonnie's Bubble and spent a a majority of our friendship declaring this was not a good thing - in fact, it was a horrible thing. It took months of convincing but I did decide they were right and slowly let go of this bubble. Now when bad things happen I deal with it, suffer, and recall my suffering and sadness. Occasionally I curse my friends out for not being able to just block it all out but I know I enjoy the good times more and have a fuller life. One of those friends is still my best friend - if she can get me out of a bubble I'm not letting this girl go :-)
So this is my life sans bubble. 10 years now of accepting life the way it is and all it's downfalls and cloud 9s. I'm trying to take what I can from it and still help others, well, at least not hurt others, anyway. I have fantastic friends, an insatiable need to travel, and some great boy stories to share.
Lately I've been missing my bubble - I'm having a tough family time, boy troubles, and my friends are miserable. New York is fantastic but it is a stressful city that can wear on you. My current solution is to be out doing something every night. I'm distracting myself, having a blast, and meeting tons of great new connections/acquintances/friends/boys but I am getting short on funds. I might have to just stuff myself on hors d'oeurves at parties and stop buying food so I can continue going out and satisfy my travel cravings. NY is even tougher lately w/ the economy going down the way it is. These companies that are crashing and losing 19 billion dollars a quarter (seriously) are my company's clients and my friend's employers - they are watching their co-workers get laid off and everyone is talking about money and what's going to happen next. On the West Coast something like this didn't seem so personal, didn't hit as hard. Here I feel like I have a front row seat- it's stressful and hitting close to home. Frank sang, "If I make here, I'll make it anywhere" - this is surprisingly true. We are all so stressed and wound so tightly - there's a reason people play hard here - we need the release.
All that said, I still love NY and this is the first city I've lived in where I don't feel I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to fit in or to prove that I don't fit in. I'm comfortable and happy and am enjoying being me. Luckily my friends find me amusing, and there are so many crazies here we actually look semi-normal :-)
I am loving the amount of things to do - the options and possibilities. I was just at an Art Museum party, a fantastic dive bar, my friend's wedding dress fitting and an opera. This week I get to tutor, go to a Mets game, a black tie dinner gala, drive around Long Island or go to Boston, dinner w/ friends, and see if I can score a third date w/ a crazy boy I met (you really could do laundry on his stomach -sigh). And i wonder why I have no money.
So I'm glad I'm sans bubble but occasionally i do miss it. I miss the lack of worry, pain, and fear. I don't miss times of my life blocked out and not actually dealing with issues. I don't usually talk about this but i felt like sharing w/ my 59 closest friends, lol. Bubbles - bad. Experiencing all of life - currently kinda sucks, but in general fantastic. NY is tough but I've never felt this enriched before. It's making it hard to move on to my next city!
